Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
