I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
