Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
