I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
