Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
