Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
