Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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