I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
