That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
