Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize