normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You've changed since you got that strap on
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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