So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
