I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
