i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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