Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
