I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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