i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
