Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
