I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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