I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize