I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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