Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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