I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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