Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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