Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
