Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
this beer tastes like vomit already
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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