seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
