I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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