You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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