She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
