walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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