My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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