I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
