Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I am midnight drunk by noon
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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