why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
