Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
