Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
