Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
