okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
