apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
