i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
