My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
