Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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