i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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