we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
