At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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