I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize