When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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