Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
