Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
