Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
