Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
