So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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