Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
