His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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