i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
