a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize