she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
