How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
