My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
