Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize