I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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