question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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