I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
