Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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