sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Come see our sink grown plant.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
